Current mood:	nostalgic
Current music:	Galaxie 500: Flowers

how can you see the sky when you close your eyes?
Was there a new episode of Fringe last night? My DVR had it scheduled but didn't record it.

Today Mr B fell asleep in the car on the way home from Michelle's. I stopped at Sonic for a soda & glanced behind me just as his eyes fluttered shut. I surprised myself by starting to cry. He is just so sweet and beautiful and amazing, and I still can't believe I have a little boy and how much I love him.

I cried because someday someone is going to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad about himself or break his heart & I won't be able to stop it from happening.

I was telling just_shoe_me how as much was I hate that my mother isn't here & that he will never know her or how much she'd looked forward to his existence and loved him before I ever even met his daddy...all of that aside, the fact is I feel closer to my mamma than I did before I had him & in a way that makes it hurt less. I know how she felt about me now. I understand so much of why she was the way she was and why she did what she did & I just "get it". Somehow it makes me less sad, the knowledge of how she felt about me.



Cash slept all night, but woke up at 0550. Not sure if Lola was involved, though she was nearby when I went to his room. It was her fault that he didn't go back to sleep though!

That gate cannot come fast enough.

I slept hard and my neck suffered as a result. I was so grateful I had a massage today because I could hardly move my head when I awoke. I put a heat wrap on and stumbled through the morning.

Sean had a late show today, so he went out and brought me coffee and pumpkin loaf, bless his heart. I had to share the pumpkin loaf with Cash. he loves that stuff.

I spent a half hour at Michelle's with him before leaving. I told him I was going bye-bye and he asked to be picked up. Once I picked him up, he waved bye-bye to Michelle & Andrew and I had to explain again that he was staying. He was not thrilled and screamed when I left.

When I got back though, he was happily playing on the swingset & she said he'd actually had a little nap in the swing but woke up with a truck came through the property. He'd only cried for five minutes & played happily the rest of the tie, with just a few intermittent wah wah wah noises. They even did a craft, they made Dixie cup maracas, and he drew me a pretty crayon picture. Go Cash!

They had to leave for Kindermusik, so we gathered all our stuff and thanked them profusely. Andrew was paying with the hose and turned it on Cash. I had to take Mr B's shirt off, and then Andrew got all fired up and wanted his shirt off too! So it took a while to get them both into fresh shirts and in their respective cars. I still have not replenished Cash's spare clothing bag in the car, we had to borrow a Hard Rock shirt from Andrew.

Mr B was happily moved into his bed & slept for over three hours! Well, he did wake up (I think Lola again) at 1330, but I cuddled him back to sleep.

The weather is just amazing this week, it's sunny and just cool enough to make being outside a joy.

Sean had to work on a term paper all evening, so we had leftover spaghetti for dinner, he ate at his desk, Cash watched 90210 with me. I think, in spite of all the early predictions that Aaron Spelling would spin in his grave, they have done a great job of updating it while still being true to the original. I adore it.

And speaking of the era when I first loved 90210...

For some reason the Raveonettes' song "Dead Sound" reminds me of my ex-boyfriend Laine, the one I have previous talked about contacting just in order to find his cousin.

Which I still haven't done. As much as I want to find her, the whole idea of having any communication with him just gives me the creeps.

Anyhow, I can't figure why the song makes me think of him. It's nothing like what I was listening to at the time & the lyrics aren't particularly applicable. I guess just the line "I used to take you on every time that sparkle turned to black. I used to drag you through my streets when you came crawling back" seems like something I would have written about him.

I did write a lot about him.

If you're interested, this is probably my favorite.¹

It Seemed Like the Thing to Do, At the Time...
^{"half a pack of cigarettes, half-dressed and still half awake..."}

It's been a year...
It's been over a year...
Well, I'm not exactly sure how long it's been
since I wrote the first poem
for you, but
I know that it's been less than a year
since I swore that I would never
write another

So tell me then
if you figure it out in the next
three minutes and forty two seconds
what am I doing here
at 2:07 am
in a cheap motel room
on an unmade bed
feverishly muttering to myself again
the words that you would say
if I could feed them
to your mouth
one
by
one?

Tomorrow never brings you with it
and that's probably just as well-
nothing ever happens
the way I write it
in my mind
Oh, God, if I could
I would take this longing
and crush it beneath my feet,
FedEx the juice and pulp to Mexico
and pray...but I can't
pray for deliverance from you
For without your memory
what would keep me company
on endless, sleepless
nights like this?

Well, I've come and I've gone and
I've seen you again,
nothing ever changes but my shoes
and the weather
and if I'm rambling or not
making sense it's not me
it's just the buzz of exhaustion
the steady hum of the ice machine
in the corridor, sitcom laughter
seeping through the vents and
bouncing off the mottled onionskin walls

The last time I saw you
you looked so much older
you said five words and ignored me
Oh, I pretended not to care
but I went back and cried,
not really because you won't
look at me anymore, but because
of the way your shirts hang
from your shoulders, the way
your nervous fingers
tuck your hair behind your ears

There's no point in deluding myself
I know that I'm just a junkie
I've tried sleeping pills and methadone
trying to kick the habit (even now, i'm nodding off on the page)
but they're so utterly useless,
I haven't closed my eyes
since the last time we kissed
I need a fix so badly now
come closer
see my waiting veins
come closer
feel my heartbeat
slow down to a purr
come closer
even closer
even closer than my skin
I will surrender to addiction
and sleep in your embrace

It's funny to look back on all that. We were so earnest and serious about everything between us, and so young and trying to figure out who we were and what we wanted. I seem to be attracted to guys who have a chameleon quality, though to Laine's credit he never changed (or, more accurately, pretended to change) for me as the people I got into the most trouble with later on did. He was just trying on personas: stoner, grunge kid, shoegazing intellectual, beer drinking frat-boy, serious student. As it stands, at least last I heard, he ended up being what I'd wanted him to be in the first place, what he swore he could never be, a devoted husband & father with a 9-5 office job. He just became all that with/for the next girl. And I'm not sorry about it at all, I think we wouldn't have made it out of college together. I don't even know if we'd like the end result of how the other turned out as a fairly normal grown up.

But the bitterness I held on to about how things went with him was gone around 2001 and I was able to just look back & view the whole picture with an indulgent smile at how young and sweet and passionate and stupid we were about everything in our lives.

The writing I had to dig through to find that poem brought up something else I'd like to write about, but I need to get on the ChaCha and make some money. Maybe tomorrow, if I still feel the urge.

This post is 100% Mr Beater Tank & Boxers Baby approved



¹I have a pet peeve about people who post poetry in hopes of getting "ooh look what you did" compliments, so this is my standard disclaimer that I am posting it to share with anyone who is interested, not looking for praise or feedback. It's 15 years old now, and I'm happy with it as it stands.